Tag: depression

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Reigniting the Spark

mjmarsauthor

I used to find motivation pretty easy. All it would take was an interesting story, a mystery, a book with an intriguing character, or a film that I wished I’d written. Lately, whether it’s because of lockdown blues, self-doubt finally taking hold or – dare I even think it – age, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to find that spark again.

The kind of spark that sends you characters when you’re trying to close your eyes at night and leaves your heart racing so fast you’re still awake at 3am thinking up voices, items of clothing, favourite places, and songs for a person who doesn’t even exist.

The thrill that stops you from reading in the middle of a bath because the words on the page have been pushed out by the words forming in your own mind. Where your eyes trace the paragraphs on the book held above the bubbles in front of you, but your mind sees something completely different as your brain replaces that story with your own.

The joy of taking a walk and feeling the heartbeat of a new protagonist forming with every step you take, until you can’t wait to get home and sit at your computer.

I miss that feeling.

The funny thing is, I had it until the moment I finished my last book. Since then, I’ve been in a slump. But maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me, “Don’t you dare start something new until you’ve seen this one through!” Because, now that I’ve finished it, I need convincing that it’s good. And, for someone like me, that doesn’t come from inside. The process of submitting is mentally draining and makes me clamber into my cave before it’s even really begun, which is a feeling that I know many of you share. But this is the brink. This is the truly exciting part. The moment when anything can happen.

So, perhaps the spark is changing for a reason. It’s not the after-effects of lockdown, or the self-doubt taking over. It certainly isn’t age, because…fuck that! The spark can’t be about new projects for a while. It has to be something different. Something that already exists. The sleepless nights can be from wondering whether today’s agent query will be the one that leads to success. The bath time daydreams that take over the book I’m reading can be about signings at a book fair, or the premier when it gets turned into a movie (it’s going to happen – of course it is! I’ve picked out my dress and everything…)

The spark might well be there if I just let it grow for the manuscript I already have, rather than something I’m yet to write. Losing it may be just another form of self-sabotaging procrastination, when really all I need to do is light the match under the next stage of the process. Next time I take a walk, I won’t be thinking about a new protagonist. I’ll be thinking about the ones I already have. I’ll get as excited about you meeting them as I was to get home and write about them when I first started my book all those months ago. And I’ll hurry home to sit at my computer. I’ll hit “submit query”.

And that’s when I’ll feel that spark.

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The Shortlist Paradox

mjmarsauthor

After making a succession of short story anthology submissions this summer, the inevitable rejections have begun to slink into my inbox. It is a part of every writer’s world, so I am not complaining about the process. However, this last couple of weeks has had me musing over whether being notified that you have been shortlisted, only to be informed of rejection in the final cut, could be worse than not hearing anything at all until the axe falls.

Every submission comes with a ‘dare to dream’ moment or two. If it didn’t there would be no motive to submit in the first place! I usually submit with suppressed hopes, then put the publication completely out of my mind until I hear either way. Otherwise I find myself daydreaming about the possibilities. About what I would do if I got a yes. What would I post on social media? How would I tell my friends and family? Then the flutter of desire kicks in, and the potential for disappointment grows.

I had this recently with the latest SNAFU publication, Last Stand. As I mentioned in a previous blog, this publication was the anthology equivalent of the Holy Grail for me, as it will be introduced by the director Tim Miller. Marvel are a huge fixture in my household, so the potential to be linked to anything involving the Deadpool director was a huge draw. I crafted the story as best as I could. I looked back at previous hints and tips that the editors had provided, keen to tick every possible personal preference box on their list. Then, I hit ‘send’, locked the hopes and dreams in a little box in my brain marked “Do not open”, and went about my business. Then I heard the news that the story had made it through the first round of shortlisting. Wow. That was a buzz. The flame of possibility grew. I dared to dream a little bit. I was honoured that they liked my story, and repeatedly rationalised that at this stage, even if it was a ‘no’ in the end, I could be proud that it made it so far.

To my absolute shock and delight, I made it through the next round of cuts. At the beginning of that week, I had seen on the publication’s Facebook page that the next refusals were imminent, and I was convinced I would be amongst them. But I wasn’t. Double-wow. Could it possibly be? I started to get really excited. I talked about it with my friends, which is something I wouldn’t normally do unless I’d actually made it into the book. I’m cagey about my writing at the best of times, having always had a fear of the old ‘pride comes before a fall’ warnings. But this time, it couldn’t hurt to talk about it. It was a huge deal after all, and I clung to the fact that it was something of an accolade that the story had made it so far.

Well, come the final round of cuts. And a rejection letter. Albeit a very positive, constructive rejection letter, but a rejection nontheless. Wow again. But this time, a crushing, “Wow, I really thought I might have had that, there. Damn.” This was the moment that I started thinking about shortlist emails. They are always a joy, don’t get me wrong. And there was a point in my writing career when I would have chopped a hand off just to get one (possibly a counter-productive move – don’t judge me, I was a neurotic, fledgling writer!). But that moment of daring to dream a little bigger…The moment the “Do not open” sign gets torn off the hidden box in my brain that shows me visions of what I might do if I got the news that I’d been accepted. The moment when I let my daydreams wander to potential future opportunities that a yes decision may have brought. That kicks in as soon as the shortlist email comes in my inbox.

And, you know what? In the end, they ARE a good thing. Because it is that little boost that verifies that we’re on the right path. It’s the feedback from almost making the cut and being told exactly why we didn’t in the end that makes us better writers. That makes the next story an improvement on the last. It’s the step towards the next acceptance, because we’re always learning. The shortlist email, even if it makes the rejection a little more disappointing in the end, reminds us of why we do this. The rush. The thrill of the chase. The potential for that elusive ‘yes’.

So thank you to those editors who take the time to let us know when we’re through to the next round. And to those who let us down gently with constructive words when we don’t quite make the cut. We need thick skin in this industry, and at certain times for whatever reason, it’s not easy to remain positive. The shortlist reminds us that we’re almost there. Even if it’s a harder fall.

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Writing and Yoga

mjmarsauthor

I am not a yoga expert by any means. For the last few years I’ve taken classes on and off. But I really fell in love with it when I began watching ‘Yoga with Adriene’ YouTube sessions at home. In my own living room I am significantly more relaxed than when I’m out in a classroom trying to keep my stomach from rumbling! It is easy to fit her sessions into my day as well, as her classes range from quick five minute stretches to full-blown hour-long routines.

For a long time it didn’t dawn on me just how beneficial these classes were in relation to my writing practice. But once I’d made the connection I can see more and more just how beneficial yoga has been to my writing day. It doesn’t always work (sometimes those writing gremlins are just too powerful to beat, am I right?!). But on the days that it does I know I owe a lot to yoga.

Take my back, for instance. After an injury a few years ago I have found it difficult to write for long periods of time due to the pressure of sitting, particularly with a chunky laptop resting on my thighs. Gradually yoga has strengthened my core, making me far more resilient to the pressures of sitting for hours on end as I add to my word count. I understand when I need to stretch it out, too, simply because I’m more aware of how my muscles feel when I begin to ‘slump’. An aching back can be extremely distracting, and easing the problem had made a significant difference to the way I write.

Adriene recently posted a great little workout for the hands that I retweeted to the writing community on Twitter because our hands are so overworked! We forget the toll that typing can have on our joints, until we wrap up a day of making notes or editing and find that our fingers are aching. Here’s the video, if you fancy giving it a try: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxC4LhOrMFw By reminding me to focus on my whole body in a way I have never done before, I feel far more prepared when taking on a full day of desk-time.

Most importantly for me, the practices have done wonders for my motivation. Psychologically, it’s easy to plan a day of writing, only to discover when you get there that you really aren’t in the mood. It’s fascinating to me how taking twenty minutes to breathe and stretch can really force my mind to wake up and open itself to the possibilities of creativity. It’s like getting a virtual kick up the backside, only it feels good to receive it! If I’m feeling stressed or anxious I know already that my writing will be impacted that day. Being aware that there is a ten minute video session on YouTube that could snap me out of it and put me into a better frame of mind is a constant reassurance that those days won’t necessarily cause me to fail in my writing goals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nnd5Slo02us

I recommend these classes to all my writer friends in person, so I thought I might as well do it here, as well! It really works for me, and I’m hoping it will for you, too.